Ever since Jonas introduced me to the myers-briggs personality scales as interpreted by David Keirsey, this topic has been very interesting to me. Different types of people—you might say temperaments—have different views on the concept of romantic love. Personally, I’m an INTP, though my T-preference is rather weak, I’m proud to say.
I always had great expectations when it came to love. When I had a crush on someone I would usually pay much attention to her interests and values, besides her appearance, of course. If she read books and liked conversing about abstract ideas, she was interesting to me. If she seemed unable (or simply “slow”) to comprehend jokes or slightly theoretical concepts, it was a major turn-off. I was always surprised when classmates admitted they would date a girl they thought were dumb if she still looked good. I was looking for someone who had really thought things through and could relate to my views regarding those abstract things that most common people didn’t care for. Interestingly, I never imagined that there was only “one” such girl out there. I imagined there were lots of candidates and then at one point I would hopefully meet someone nice who agreed she and I would be a very good fit. Now that is where NTs and NFs seem to differ.
According to Keirsey, the INTPs (as well as all other NTs) are looking, not for a soulmate, but a mindmate. There are plenty of potential mindmates out there; it’s a matter of first becoming friends and sharing inner worlds and eventually bond romantically. On the other hand, the NT’s natural partner, the NFs (also known as the Idealists), are said to be looking for soulmates—someone with whom they can merge and become ‘one’. And soulmates are not very common. In fact, implied by the very notion of a soulmate is the idea that there is just one out there. Fortunately, or thanks to Intelligent Design and Fatalism, every person will cross paths with his/her soulmate at some point in time. If they grab the opportunity—and they will know when it is—and play their cards the way they are supposed to and are true to themselves…they will end up together.
Gregory Boyd, one of my favourite pastor-theologian-authors, tweeted that he’s “INFP – though I’m borderline on the F&T.” If he were typical of his type, he would be singing along those same lines, but he happens to be a well-informed theologian as well. He has the blessing (or curse) of knowing the longings of the NF-heart while at the same time realizing that this view of romantic love is not all that realistic. In a recent sermon he calls it the Myth of Romantic Completeness, that is, the idea that all people are fundamentally incomplete, but some person out there can fulfill you and fill out the empty hole of your heart.
‘We must resist this myth of romantic completeness. No relationship with any human being is going to complete you in the core of your being. No relationship can fill you. There is an empty hole in our soul—empty spaces in the core of our being—a longing and an ache. We want that to be filled, but you see, no human being can do that. Human beings aren’t supposed to do that. That ache—that craving—that longing—that sense of loneliness—that sense of incompleteness that we all have is put there by God as a homing device to drive you to him. Because only He can satisfy that hunger. The only one that can fill you is Jesus Christ.
What happens with this myth of romantic completeness is that the Devil deceives us into thinking that the ache will be solved if only we find that one right person. He misdirects our homing device. Instead of hungering and panting after God, we hunger and pant after that mythological person out there who’s gonna complete us. You search, and search, and search, and you find Mr. or Ms. Right.—if they’re Mrs., they ain’t right 
– so you find this person, and sometimes there’s this tremendous buzz! You fall in love! There’s a chemical reaction! You can’t think straight! You take off your shoes and put them in the refrigerator! You are in love… and you think “This is it, I finally found him!” and write songs about it or something… But the thing is, that never lasts! And it sure ain’t an indication that you’ve found Mr. Right.”
Clearly, the debate doesn’t end with Boyd’s remarks on this issue. I bring them because I happen to agree. I hope it’s because we’re right, not because we’re similar types. I worry for friends and young people who might be chasing this buzzing feeling rather than true love. I worry for those who are waiting for ages only to be disappointed that they won’t find the fulfilment they’re hoping for in a romantic relationship (if they ever realize it).
